Category: Parenting

Flowers, Weeds and Kids

I spent quite a bit of time this morning weeding the flower bed in front of my house. I’ll admit that this is not my favorite job, but I have found that when my flower bed is flourishing, it brings me a lot of joy. That must be what John Keats was feeling when he wrote, “A thing of beauty is a joy forever”.

I’m not very good at the whole gardening thing. Hardy plants are the way to go for me. I have a few really beautiful rose bushes that my oldest son gave me and I have Jonquils and Hostas that come up every year. About this time each year, I give the flower bed a good weeding, buy some Impatiens and scatter them throughout the bed and call it a day.

Last year, my daughter planted a bunch of flower seeds in there and we had a bunch of sunflowers pop up as well as a few other varieties of flowers that were pretty, but I have no clue what they were. We also had a random vine with four or five pumpkins spring up and take over the entire bed – until I tried to “gently” prune it, and I killed the whole lot of them. Yup! That about sums up my gardening skills for you.

Last summer, I managed to get my hands on some mint plants and transplanted them into my little garden area. They were really scrawny looking, but one thing I do know about plants, is that mint is super hardy and will actually take over your whole garden if you’re not careful. A perfect plant for a non-green-thumb like myself! They did not disappoint, and I now have many fragrant mint plants spring up and I have already enjoyed some really delicious mint iced tea from them.

As I was pulling up all the nasty weeds this morning, I noticed that when I pulled some weeds that were really close to the mint, I pulled up one of the mint plants as well! Oops! I guess I’ll leave the weeds that are super close so that I don’t kill my mint. I also noticed something else. There weren’t actually very many weeds among the mint plants. That is true of my Hosta plants as well. The more the Hostas flourish, the less weeds there are to pull around them. I’m sure that this isn’t news to you avid gardeners out there. This is probably why your flowers beds are so gorgeous! The more flowers, the less weeds!

This made me think of my kids’ lives and how very much like gardening parenting can be. As a mom, I desperately want my kids to grow and bloom into something beautiful that God can use to further His kingdom and will bring joy to Him as well as to others looking on. I try my best to cultivate the soil of their hearts and plant things that will thrive and grow despite any adverse conditions that they may face.

When the “weeds” of this world spring up and try and crowd out the good things growing, I try to be quick to identify them as such and do my best to help the kids uproot them and not let them grow. Sometimes though, just like my mint plants, these weeds grow really close to the roots of the good things in my kids’ lives. Often, it’s hard to tell which root is which and as much as I don’t want to, it is actually better for their spiritual growth and well being that I leave the “weed” there. I couldn’t possibly remove every single bad thing from my kids’ lives any more than I could get rid of every single weed root in my garden. I dare say that I have my share of “weeds” in my own life and only God can remove them without uprooting the good things!

The thought of leaving things in my kids’ lives that might not be pleasing to God was not really something I liked to think about doing. What if those “weeds” start to choke out the good fruit in their lives? What if they take over the whole garden and there aren’t any beautiful blooms left to see? What if they end up walking away from God? What if, what if, what if?

Well, what if, like a beautiful garden full of blooms, there were so many good things planted in my kids’ lives, that there was barely any room for weeds to grow? What if, just like my mint plants that will spread and probably take over my garden, my kids’ faith spreads beyond our walls and begins to dominate their friendships, their school, their work, and every other aspect of their lives? What if revival in our country started with my kids???

This year maybe I will try and plant more than just a few flowers to make my garden look pretty. Maybe I will fill up the bed with so many plants that the weeds that are there won’t stand a chance. Perhaps, I will rethink the gardening plans I have for my kids as well. I’ll concentrate more on what I’m putting into their lives and worry less about trying to weed out every little thing that doesn’t belong.

Sibling Rivalry – Stop it or Let it Go?

If you’re a parent of more than one, how often do you find yourself breaking up fights between your kids? Or maybe you don’t actually break them up, you are just constantly dropping phrases such as, “Stop hitting each other”, “Give back the toy”, “Don’t call names” or maybe, “I told you to stop arguing”!

When siblings have a conflict, it’s like a parent alarm goes off in in our heads. Quick! Make it stop! Hurry! End it before someone gets hurt! Why do we do this? Our kids are just relating to each other, and like all normal relationships, there will be conflicts.

Everyone knows that sibling rivalry is as old as time. Look at Cain and Abel. Sheesh! That was some intense rivalry on Cain’s part! Or how about Jacob and Esau? First, Jacob stole his brother’s birthright and then he tricked their dad into giving him Esau’s blessing too! After that, Jacob had to run for his life, because Esau threatened to kill him. There’s also Joseph and his multitude of brothers that threw him in an old well and then sold him to a slave trader because they found him annoying. So, if fighting among siblings has been around for so long, should we continue playing referee or should we just ignore them and toss it up to being just a “normal” part of raising kids?

While no one wants a house full of chaos and constant bickering can be tiresome, I think that constantly breaking up squabbles between your kids can keep them from learning some important life skills. As they learn to deal with the reality of differences and conflicts, kids can be developing skills such as negotiation, compromise and valuing another person’s opinion. They can also begin learning how to stand their own ground while defending their point of view on a matter. Of course, they may need our help in learning to do that without physically harming the other person!

In my house, my two youngest are 6 and 8 year old boys. Their siblings are all teenagers and adults, and they pick up on every, single, dad-blasted, sarcastic or snarky comment that is said in our house. It’s not uncommon to hear them say things that would normally come out of a teenager’s mouth. In fact, just the other day, my 6 year old had a “roast battle” with his 16 year old brother. If you’re not familiar with this, allow me to give you a sample of their battle of words! It went something like this:

16 – Your ears are fat!

6 – You smell like cheese!

16- Your bangs have split ends!

6 – You have hair on your face! Oooh burn!

This was all in fun, at the dinner table, with their dad in tears because he was laughing so hard. It was also only a small portion of the “insults” hurled back and forth. The battle probably lasted a full ten minutes. So, why didn’t we stop them from saying things like this to each other? What’s going to stop them from saying these things in anger later on?

Let me answer that question with one of my own. What would you rather have your child do when they come upon a real life situation where someone says something mean to them – curl up in the fetal position and cry because someone insulted them, or be able to laugh it off and possibly diffuse the situation with a witty come back?

My youngest used to get really upset when one of his older siblings would tease him or say something he didn’t like. Instead of badgering the other kids to stop teasing, we taught him early on, that he simply cannot get angry at this and that the best way to work through it is to throw it right back at them with a comment of his own that will probably make them laugh. He’s gotten pretty good at this!

Our homes are the training ground for real life that will one day smack our kids right in the face and knock them down if we haven’t prepared them for what it will probably be like. Real life deals with real people, and real people aren’t always nice. That doesn’t mean that we should not be teaching our kids to walk in kindness and humility towards others, but they also don’t need to let others walk all over them. This is why we don’t stop every single altercation that comes up between our kids.

Instead of making our kids stop fighting with each other, I think that encouraging them to find a way to solve their differences without our interference is a much healthier approach. Taking these moments and making them teachable is actually modeling the way Jesus did things. He often repeated Himself over and over again, but, unlike us, it wasn’t with short commands desperately flung at our children. Jesus sat down and talked with people. He talked over and over again about loving God and loving people. Jesus said what needed to be said, but not in exasperated harsh orders. He spoke in calm, quiet and loving repetition. He was repetitious in His stories because we humans are slow to catch on. 

I’m not saying that we should never interfere in our kids’ rivalry with each other. There is definitely a time and a place to stop an argument or break up a fight, and our kids surely need to learn how to behave out in public. We just need to know where to draw the line between when to discipline and when to just let them work it out themselves.

Sometimes, though, words aren’t enough for our kids. We often find ourselves dealing with the same issues that we dealt with yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. We get tired of repeating the same thing over and over again to little ears that just don’t seem to get it. Instead of trying to change our kids ways just with words, we need to teach by example and we need to pray for our kids. Words simply won’t change our kids’ hearts, but God can.

So, keep correcting in love, but more than you speak, keep modeling humility and calmness. Model humility by not being too proud to apologize to your kids and asking for forgiveness when you lose your cool. Don’t just teach them to apologize to each other; teach them the importance of forgiving the other person as well. Teach them to find alternate ways to solve their differences instead of arguing. Above all, teach them to love like Jesus loves.