Every day I hear more and more stories about kids being bullied. Name calling, teasing, body shaming and physical abuse are just some of the forms of bullying that are prevalent in today’s society. Kids as young as middle school age battle depression, anxiety, self-harm and even go as far as taking their own lives because of rejection from peers and feeling like they don’t have a place in this world any longer.
Why do kids feel the need to poke fun at other kids? Could it be rooted in a desire to be accepted themselves by others and so they do things that make them look “cool” to those around them? Is it a tactic to make others recognize their abilities or just a way to simply be noticed because they fear being alone?
Whatever the reason, what can we as parents do today to ensure that we are raising kids who are kind and compassionate towards everyone? In Ephesians, it tells us to train up our children in the way that they should go so that when they are old they won’t depart from it. What exactly is “the way he should go?” We can find the answer for this woven all throughout the pages of the Bible.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5 ” Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”
Colossians 3:12 ” As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.”
Galatians 5:22-23 ” The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law.”
Ephesians 4:32 ” Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
2 Peter 1:5-7 ” Make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love.”
Matthew 7:12 “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”
Are we as parents modeling these things to our children on a day-to-day basis? I don’t mean are we kind to our own children, rather, are we showing them kindness that we give to others outside of our home? For example, do you help that elderly person in the store carry their groceries to their car? Do you offer to give your friend a ride even if it takes you out of your way? Have you taken the time to stop and help pick up all the change that fell out of someone’s purse? Do you tell the grumpy person in the toll booth to have a nice day?
Generally speaking, I believe that humans today are rude, self-centered and don’t really care about people that they don’t know. If they’re not in our circle of influence, then they aren’t really worth our time. The Bible often refers to being kind to our neighbors. Who are our neighbors? Are they just the people that live in a mile radius of our home? I don’t think so.
I think a neighbor is anyone that you come in contact with in your day-to-day life. It’s that person driving 5 miles below the speed limit when you are already late for work, or the person in the check-out line that is taking forever because their credit card was rejected. It’s the homeless person that asks for spare change or the hooker that stands on the corner. Perhaps it’s the people in your church that you see every week but you don’t know their name because you’ve never taken the time to introduce yourself.
What are we as parents modeling to our kids in these situations? Maybe we’re not out rightly rude to people, but do we go out of our way to show kindness to other people who need to be shown God’s love? Are we portraying the fruits of the Spirit in our actions and attitudes toward everyone around us? Are we loving, joyful, patient, good and kind even when we don’t feel like it? (Just in case you’re wondering, I’m preaching to myself right now.)
My husband has been such a wonderful example to our children in this area. He has the gift of helps and they have witnessed his acts of kindness to strangers countless times. He has stopped on every single road trip that we have ever taken to help that random person broken down on the side of the road. Either he will stay and change their tire or do whatever he can to get their car running again, or he will at least make sure that they are safely off the road and have someone coming to assist them. He has even put himself in harm’s way to make sure that someone that he has never seen before and will probably never see again is taken care of to the best of his ability.
He has also always encouraged our kids to help the elderly and those in need around us. Our neighbor is a widow in her nineties that lives alone. Dave and the boys take care of her yard work, and all of the kids make sure that her sidewalk and driveway are shoveled after it has snowed. She knows that they are dependable and has referred to them as her little elves! My oldest son has even gone to the hospital and acted as her orderly as per her request, because she knew that she could trust him to have her best interests in mind.
The other day, it brought tears to my eyes when I was out with my 16 year old daughter and I witnessed her walk up to a lady bent over with age who had many bags in her cart. She asked if she needed someone to help her get to her car. This simple act of kindness is evidence of God’s grace in her life, and that she has learned to look beyond her own selfish desires to the wants and needs of others around her. She is truly a kind person.
My youngest son is a very passionate person. Any emotion that he is feeling is readily displayed for all to see! When he’s happy, he’s exuberant. When he’s sad, he is extremely distraught. When he’s mad – well, watch out for an explosion! We are working on self control in this area and choosing to handle his emotions in a better way that will please Jesus, but it definitely is a struggle. He doesn’t always get along with his friends, but I have encouraged him that no matter what happens, and no matter if what has been said is mean or hurtful, he MUST respond with kind words. I don’t think that we as parents should force our children to have to be friends with anyone. You simply cannot make someone be friends with someone else. You can, however, require kindness no matter what.
Kids today don’t know how to treat even their closest friends kindly because we as parents aren’t requiring kindness within our own homes. Brothers and sisters are constantly bickering with one another and have little to no desire to spend time with one another. I am so tired of seeing kids have zero respect for their parents or for any adult. They are rude and uncommunicative and they show very little skill in actually knowing how to communicate with adults in any other capacity than grunts, one word answers or by simply shrugging their shoulders.
In our home, from the time that they can speak, our children are required to respond to their father and I with “yes sir/ma’am” and “no sir/ma’am”. This is not because we think that we are better than them, it is simply because the Bible commands children to honor their parents and we feel like this is a simple act of honoring and respecting us as their authorities. We also ask that they respond this way to any adult or authority figure that they are talking to outside of our home. A little respect can go a long way!
One of the best places to teach our kids how to be kind is within our own circle of friends. Often, the people we are most unkind to are those that we spend the most time with. Kids can be so mean to other kids simply because they are different. Maybe they don’t run fast enough or don’t enjoy sports like the other kids do. Maybe they like things that others think are weird, and so they are left out simply because they enjoy something different than everyone else.
We need to teach our children to look for common ground and not focus on the things that make them different. Find things that they can enjoy talking about or doing together so that no one gets left out or feels belittled because they can’t do something as well as the other kids. Let’s teach our children to recognize and appreciate each others gifts and talents that God has given to each one of them, even if they are vastly different!
Something that has become far too common, especially among Christians, are people forming cliques. if you’re not familiar with this word, I’m talking about groups of people who only do things with each other. They are usually friendly to other people, but when it come down to doing things together, they are often unintentionally exclusive to the point of being rude and seemingly unkind to people who they normally would consider to be their friends. This happens far too often, and while it’s not wrong to have close friends that you feel more comfortable with than others, it is wrong when you make others feel like they aren’t good enough to be in your “crowd” and therefore, feel left out.
We cannot sit by and watch this happen! Jesus teaches us to love one another and we need to make sure that we are modeling this for our children, especially among our closest friends. Some of my dearest friendships have come about as a result of looking outside my normal circle of influence to include others. There are some truly wonderful people out there. You just have to take a chance and get to know them.
Are you familiar with the term “trash talk?” This is where you intentionally hurl insults at people. It’s very common in the world of sports, and it’s very unkind. You may be more familiar with another form of trash talking. It’s when we talk about people behind their back. It’s called gossip. We should not tolerate gossip in our homes, especially about those who we consider to be friends. We call it trash talk because that’s exactly where it belongs. In the trash. Did you know that gossipers are listed along with murderers, liars, idolaters and those who practice immorality? That seems to me like it’s a pretty serious thing. We need to set the example for our kids in this area as well. If a person is not there to defend themselves, then we should not be speaking about them. If it’s something worth talking about, then talk directly to that person and only to that person, and work out your differences among yourselves. Don’t involve other people in something that is none of their business. When speaking about the godly woman, Proverbs says that “the law of kindness is on her tongue.” We would do well to practice this!
Another thing that contributes to unkindness is a lack of compassion. Do our kids make fun of others when they get hurt or can’t keep up? Do they poke fun because someone isn’t good at something? This is not only hurtful, but it can cause the other children to have low self-esteem as well as lack confidence in their ability to do things correctly. Opinions of peers are extremely important to everyone, but especially to children and teenagers. We can encourage compassion in our children by having compassion towards others ourselves and by teaching them to encourage and build up one another instead of belittling and tearing down.
There may be some of you reading this that find yourselves to be repulsed by certain groups of people and so you find it difficult to show kindness to them– perhaps people of a certain religion, lifestyle or maybe people that hold to different standards than you. I may not agree with the gay and lesbian lifestyle, but I have welcomed with open arms people who choose to live their lives this way into my home and have had let them know that they are more than welcome in our home. I certainly don’t agree with the beliefs of Mormons, Muslims or Hindus, but I would most definitely engage in a conversation and even pursue a friendship with someone who believed this way just so that I could show them God’s love through the kindness of friendship.
This has brought about conversations with my children on why we do what we do and why we welcome everyone into our home. Simply put, it is because Jesus wants us to be kind to everyone no matter who they are or what they believe. He associated with all manners of people so He would expect us to do the same. Who knows? Maybe we will be the tools used to point these people to the amazing life that they can have in Christ.
It starts with kindness, though. If we don’t show our kids what kindness looks like, then their only view of Christians will be that we are unaccepting and ignorant people who actually don’t know the first thing about showing the love of Christ to others. If we aren’t setting the example of being kind for this next generation, then who will?
“Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.”
~Dalai Lama~